I’ve spent quite some months trying very hard not to be too… me. I know I’m a bit odd. Or, a total fucking weirdo hippy-idealist nerd who doesn’t even manage to fit in with other weirdo hippy-idealist nerds but is basically a nice person who tries her best.
Which is kind of a mouthful, now I come to look at it, so let’s go back to the shorthand of “odd”.
The point is, I do try to keep the oddness on the inside, honestly I do. I try so hard I sometimes feel contortionists would look at me and think “Fuck me, how the hell did she end up in that position?!” All to absolutely no avail, of course. If there’s one thing I should have learned way back when I was doing my insanely bad choice of college course it’s that, no matter how damn hard I try, I simply don’t fit in.
When I was making that particular monumental mistake, my mother was on the phone to my sister one evening and commented on how hard a time I was having trying to fit in at college. “Good,” was my sister’s insightful response. All these years later, it still makes me smile.
Maybe I’d have been this way even if my life had been normal. Maybe. But it so many worlds of hasn’t, so I guess we’ll never know. I digress…
Something changed recently. Still in the process of figuring out where it leaves me, and now isn’t really the time to talk about it. Suffice it to say I’m less inclined to waste energy pretending I’m not me just to please others right now.
Delighted with a new pair of boots I received today, I showed them to one of my absolute darling favourites who I hope to stay in touch with many years after I’m far, far away from the current misery I’m in. “They’re very you,” she said, in that tone which says “I don’t like them, but I like you, and this is the most flattering thing I can think of to say without time to prepare a better answer.”
You know what? They really are. Thin end of the wedge, and about fucking time too!
